Ah. Team bashing. My favorite hobby. I’ll do the East and see who wants to do the West, because I don’t know those teams as well and want to continue the fine American tradition of out sourcing.
Before we begin, here you go:
New York Islanders: WE SUCK. We are the most poorly run team in all of sports from our crazy owner to our puppet GM to our clueless Fred Flintstone looking coach to our egomaniac forever injured goalie who controls entirely too much of the organization to our idiotic invisible fanbase to our literally falling apart arena. I cover everything? Good.
With that out of the way, we may proceed. By division!
Boston: Your goalie is a tea party whacko. Your announcer is a homer douchebag and half your stands are filled with illiterate Southie trash.
Buffalo: “The most passionate fanbase in hockey” has never seen a cup and has a GIANT inferiority complex because of it. And Buffalo is Rustbelt USA.
Montreal: You burn cop cars. Your city smells like cat pee. You’re actually run by the worst GM in the world.
Ottawa: OH. OTTAWA. YOU GET SPECIAL ATTENTION, BECAUSE I HATE YOU SO MUCH. You have a fake history. You claim cups which arent yours. You then try and incorporate the history of the 67s, WHO WILL ALWAYS MATTER MORE IN OTTAWA THAN YOU. You then claim this is your 20th year to sell anniversary jerseys. You cant do both, you dumbasses. Either you’re an OG team or you are not. You are not. Your logo belongs on a pack of condoms and your ‘classy, ambassador of the game’ captain is a secret douchebag. See the SCF vs Anahiem for video evidence.
Toronto: There’s nothing here that needs to be said. The most depressed fanbase Ive ever seen, circled like vultures by the most predatory media I’ve ever seen that both combine to pressure the team into doing moves ‘just because’, which has continued yearly since 1967.
Carolina: Im man enough to admit I love Cam Ward. However, Eric Staal is a doofy looking fuck. Furthermore, you replaced the Hartford Whaler logo (one of sports all time great logos!) witrh a flushing toilet. Stop with the ‘caneiac’ thing too. It’s obnoxious.
Florida: I love you, team noone cares about. I love you so much. 1996 SCF run was wonderbar. But you suck. You really can’t draw for shit, and you stole Bill Torrey to build you 20 years after he built us. And without Vanbiesbrouck, you wouldn’t still exist.
Tampon Bay: I hate you. Your ridiculous jerseys. Your proud tradition of never having a goalie. The unmitigated gall to call yourself ‘Hockey Bay’. We get it. You want to be the Red Wings. You aren’t.
Washington: A Visceral, burning hatred exists in my heart for this team. Their fans are the epitome of NU-nhl glass pounding ogres who think allfathers Crosby, Toews and Ovechkin invented hockey. Dale Hunter, who orchestrated one of the most vile, disgusting cheapshots in NHL history patrols their bench. Your franchise is SO AVERSE TO POSTSEASON SUCCESS that you hoisted a REGULAR SEASON CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS BANNER. And yet, nothing these fools can do diminishes the fact that the Islanders absolutely DESTROY you (5-1 All time) in the playoffs. Including on Easter, because God hates you.
Winnipeg: The Frozen North, rather than being giddy that they have a team, have become the ultimate trolls. They boo every star, because they have none. Which is embarrassing enough, but then they troll Atlanta for ‘squandering’ their team. Calgary didn’t do this. Congrats. You have LESS CLASS THAN THE COW TOWN THAT IS CALGARY.
New Jersey: I really, really have nothing on TEam Boring other than outdated trap jokes, outdated Marty’s Sister In Law jokes, and the fact their proud history is playing in a swamp after 2 re-locations and a myriad of financial missteps including currently yet another round of near bankruptcy.
Philadelphia Flyers: Fuck You. Your fans are boorish cavemen who think that FIGHTING PEOPLE AT SPORTS EVENTS is some sort of macho right of passage. You think you live in a city of Champions (Despite the Eagles, Sixers and Flyers ALL SUCKING) and the fact your city is on the FBI Uniformed Crime Report top 10 cities in Murder per capita every year. You make DETROIT look like a bastion of opportunity. Your classless organization values truculence over playing ability, you havent had a goalie for 30 years, and Bobby Nystrom was still onside, so please suck on it long and slow.
Pittsburgh Penguins: Another of the NUnhl Pantheon. Take everything wrong with Boston (half of the fanbase being boorish morons, homertastic announcers). Take everything wrong with Washington (NuNHL devotees with no concept for history, myriad of selfish twat players). Combine them. You get this bastard child. Oh, and it’s Rustbelt-tastic. Mario was a diver, a fraud, and loved to have someone else fight his battles until he could get a cheapshot in during a scrum. Sidney is a diver, a fraud, and loves to have someone fight his battles until he can PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE DICK DURING A SCRUM. Oh, and Matt Cooke. Matt Cooke. Alternate Captain Matt Cooke. You are so reviled, Penguins, that the majority of non-pen supporters in the NHL were OVERJOYED with what the Islanders did to you last February.
NY Rangers: Some of the least educated fans in hockey. Derisively chant for Denis POtvin two decades after he retired because their own history is a joke. They took the Cold War off in terms of on ice success. Theyve won EXACTLY one Cup since D-Day (with the Oilers Alumni Allstars). They BUY every name they can, fail, then unceremoniously dump them 3 years later and their idiot fans run out and buy another jersey for “their” new star. Gretzky. Bure. Lindros. Jagr. Holik. Gomez. Drury. Redden. All SPECTACULAR Broadway busts. Think Yankee mentality with Met results. Add to it a completely unjustified smugness like they havent been to the Finals exactly 1 more time than their rivals despite EXISTING 46 More years. Lest we forget in addition to their ceaseless arrogance, their fanbase lowlifes derided a Flyers teams with chants mocking Pelle Lindbergh after he died.
There we go. Why your team sucks. Why my team sucks. Good day.