An organizational assessment of the New York Islanders
From top to bottom, I’m going to take a look at the NYI and we shall see who were deserves to play out this year and be back, who has value and should be dealt, and who needs to go to the glue factory.
On Ice (NHL Level):
One line and some assorted parts…
John Tavares: Simply put, the most important player to any franchise in the NHL at this moment. He is the reason this fanbase has any hope currently and the reason people think the NYI exists in 4 years time. Untouchable.
Okposo, Grabner, Moulson: This trio isn’t going anywhere. These are all upper echelon players who bring different things and all 3 have multiple years left on cap friendly deals. Okposo is the prototypical power forward who has found his consistent net drive and snarl to become a rock in that dressing room for years to come. Moulson is Tavares’ rad bromance (Yes, that was a Gaga joke) and a legitimate 30 goal finisher. He’s Mark Parrish in terms of net presence, but unlike Parrish, he can skate… and SHOOT! Gremlin is a legit PK maven and streaky guy whose speed alone makes him a perennial 25 goal guy.
Nielsen, Parenteau: Two legit top 9 players both pending UFA. I. Love. Frans. He is so wonderful. He is the hero of the songs my heart sings. I’ll never forget soft spoken Radek Martinek’s words. “I love him so much. He is wonderful. If anyone hurt him (I’d kill them).” Oh gosh, I’m over come with emotion. I miss you Radek, my sneaky-sneaky friend. I digress. Frans is a selke future winner (He finished 6th last year in voting with the NYPHWA boycotting, he could have won if they voted). You don’t GIVE that away. If you truly believe Cizikas will fill his role, fine. Fine. But Casey needs to earn that. Frans must be back. I believe PA must as well. Our prospect cupboard is overflowing. We do not need picks. If both return, We maybe need to add 1 legitimate top 9 player up front. 2 if you lose one. That’s all. If you lose both? Our forwards corps become a wreck akin to the Edmund Fitzgerald.
Nino Niederreiter – “El Nino, Spanish for the Nino!” is coming on like a train lately. He’s a rock of our prospect pool. Get him on the third line, now.
Matt Martin – Hold me, one of the flawless two princes. The NHL’s leading hitter, a fearless bulldog who will fight anyone, and a strong puck possession forward. I crush on him.
Brian Rolston, Marty Reasoner, Tim Wallace, Jay Pandolfo – You all have accomplished a lot at the NHL level (other than Wallace, who has done exactly… yeah). Congrats on your careers. Please collect your paychecks and gear at the front desk.
On to the thin blue line…
Travis Hamonic and Andrew McDonald – THE OTHER OF THE TWO PRINCES!!!! I love Hamonic. His amazingness cannot be put into words. Youth, snarl, hitting, shot blocking and an ability to jump in on the rush? He might actually be perfect! But my adopted son lost a tooth. Fix that, Shakey. Glue something in there. AMac is the perfect counter to Hammer. Positionally sound, smart instincts, largely stay at home. And if anyone touches him, Hamonic destroys them because of bromantic obligations.
Mark Streit – The Captain. He needs to stay as a veteran glue. That’s all there is to it. I’d love to say our D corps is solid enough to trade him, but that’s a blatanly laughable statement. Hahaha. See? Laugh.
Steve Staios, Milan Jurcina – this is a case of snarl if too old to get into position to properly use it, and a case of size but an unwillingness to be physical. We already have Jurcina’s clone in the “I’m a big man that hits less than Tom Poti” in Wishart. Staios’ clone, Brendan Witt, already retired. Just saying… goodbye.
Dylan Reese – Wow. I shit on this kid last year. He has grown up mightily. He can stay as depth.
Mark Eaton – Holy dog dick is he steady. He’s just injured, often. He is Martinek Version II. I like his play, but his frailty and age make me yearn for a younger more durable replacement.
The defenders of the crease:
Rick Dipietro – I love you. Unabashedly. You are what made me an Islanders fan. You need to retire for your health, your team and your fans. Right Now. I still love you. But as Coldplay said, if you love someone, you can let them go.
Al Montoya and Evgeni Nabakov – One of these men, I have no preference as I love our quirky Chicagoan and Enigmatic Russian equally, will return and serve as starter with Kevin Poul in in his stead next year. The End. I’d give a slight edge to Montoya in the two isles preferred qualifications: Young and Cheap.
On the Ice – Prospects (Quick assessment of the team’s key cogs in development)
Kevin Poulin, Ryan Strome, Calvin DeHaan , Casey Cizikas – I’m rue to move any of these kids as they all seem legit, and will see significant time on LI next year. The only concerns here are CDH and Poulin’s injuries.
Scott Mayfield, Andrej Pedan – Raw, large, nasty Dmen. Stay forever.
Brock Nelson, Kirill Kabanov – two intriguing high ceiling forwards prospects. Would not deal without a fellatio worthy trade.
Aaron Ness, Matt Donnovan – Both are playing very well at the Bridge and look like they could be NHL contributors some day soon, but could be dealt for help NOW.
Kirill Petrov – HA.
Rhett Rakashani, David Ullstrom – Both look like serviceable NHL parts but are by no means untouchable.
Mike Haley – Why are you not on Long Island punching people in the face?
Off the Ice, Organization:
Charles Wang – I hate you. You petty, vindictive, stubborn asshat of a man. Please
go into the afterlife, posthaste sell the team to someone who wants to win on Long Island.
Garth Snow – He is currently a puppet. But he is a ruthless, shrewd puppet. I’d like to see him under a real owner, or given a chance to go out and get a real coach with a spine. Last time he had 1 in Nolan, we looked solid.
Jack Capuano – You poor
Flinstone looking man guy. I like you. I do. But you are not a smart hockey coach. At All. And you show no emotion. I’m genuinely sorry Jack, but you must go.
Scott Allen, Doug Weight- Its amazing such an incompetent HC has two very competent Assistants. If you don’t believe me, look at our PK and PP ranks. FIYAHPOWAH + WATER BOTTLE SQUIRT = HAPPY VINNY
Howie Rose – At least 6 times a season, when Howie is rousted from his malaise, he DESTROYS someone who has ripped Isles Country. And it’s wonderful.
Butch Goring – HA. Pat Flatley is taking your job.
Billy Jaffe – BABY COME BACK.
Where does this leave us?
Next year, on the ice, we should look like this:
!El Nino!-Strome-Quality VETERAN UFA (NOT A RETREAD, WANG YOU CHEAP FUCK).
Martin-Warm Body with PK skills (Like say KONOPKA?)-Hopefully HALEY?
TWO LEGITIMATE UFA DEFENSEMEN, NOT RETREADS WANG YOU CHEAP FUCK.
Striet-Prospect (CDH, Ness or Donny)
That’s all for now. See you next time, or I will see you another time!
NP – Two Princes by the Spin Doctors