Who am I rooting for in a given game?
Here you go.
About the Index: This is a Hartigan Idea I’ve co-opted and made Vinny-er. You can refer to this s the ‘Vinny Hate Index’ or VHI for short. Teams will be ranked according to 4 criterion. First is History. Second is Likeability of Fans / City / Roster. Third is Jersey and Logo. Last is certainly not least: Gut reaction to them. The matrix generally goes from +5 to -5. Best score: +20. Worst Score? -20. Any tiebreakers I will determine arbitrarily and as trollishly as possible.
- Isles – 5/5/5/5 = 20 Look, if you expected anything else, you’re stupid. My heart belongs to these colors and logo. The team is heading to Brooklyn, NY, God’s country. The fans are the most loyal in sport, surviving waves of crap that should have killed us.
- Panthers – 2/4/5/5 = 16. I love the look. John Vanbiesbrouck in my mind’s eye. Bill Torrey literally made magic. Rats everywhere.
- Ducks – 3/4/2/4 = 13. What did you do to your logo? Please undo. I love you, class of 1993. Ducks fly together.
- Hawks – 4/4/2/3 = 13. The Indian Head is costing them points. It’s 2013. Adapt. Favorite NHL city to visit outside of the TDot. I love Patrick Sharp.
- Wings – 4/2/5/1 = 10. Indifferent on the team upon hearing their name. Beyond Dats and Z, their roster is bland to me. The Winger Wheel is iconic. They lose points for… Detroit.
- Wild – 1/4/2/3 = 10. I like Minnesota, it’s the state of hockey. The Logo is great, the jersey is too nusy. Their history in nonexistent.
- Blues – 2/3/5/0 = 10. Completely neutral reaction to them. I don’t mind the STL, and LOOVVE THE NOTE logo.
- Kings – 3/3/2/1 = 9. Their logo annoys me. Their jersey is busy. Their roster has some guys I like, some guys I hate and no feeling towards them beyond that.
- Sabres – 2/3/2/1 =9. Their goalie is an American hero. Their fans are passionate if not delusional. The logo is GREAT.
- Oilers – 5/0/3/1 = 9. Tank and acquire draft pick is pretty much revolting. Respect for ending our dynasty, outright. Classic logo too. Ugly jersey.
- Flames – 2/3/3/0= 8. Completely neutral at mention of them. Loses point for relocation in history. Nice logo. Love Kipper and Iggy. Great venue.
- Yotes – 1/2/3/2 =8. Like the look of their sweaters, a lot. Respect Mike Smith. And the Hyena, PRUCHA.
- Preds – 1/2/2/2 =7. I like them for some undefinable reason. Like successful hockey in the south to spite the haters.
- Jackets – 0/3/1/1 =5. Im so neutral on this team. I love Wis and Oakie though (Aucoin). Only team to get a 0 in history. And that’s well deserved. 3rd gets them a 1 instead of another 0 in look.
- Avs 3/2/-1/0 = 4. Relocation. Awful jerseys. AND THEY COST VANBIESBROUCK A CUP. FUCK THEM.
- Sharks – 1/-1/2/1 3. Nice logo. I basically like nothing relse here other than the fact they enter the ice through a giant shark head and play in a tank and Irbe.
- Devils – 2/-1/3/-2= 2. Minus 1 for Division. Should be higher if not for that. Don’t hate them. DOUBLE Relocation though. Point off for being from Jersey. Great sweaters though.
- Stars 2/0/-2/-2 = -2. Now we’ve reached hate. Buffalo SHOULD have a cup. Mike Modano ruined my birthday and pointed at me. UGLY Jerseys, Stolen Logo, and yeah. Texas. AND Relocation.
- Habs – 5/-6/4/-6 = -3. Condescending. Great jerseys and History. But condescending. And a soft finesse roster that dives.
- Canes – 2/2/-5/-2 = -3. Plus one for LaRose. Plus one for Ward. Minus for relocation. Minus more FOR NOT BEING THE WHALERS. PS: Your logo. It’s a toilet mid-flush. And your jersey is everything that should be forgotten about the 90’s. And TO HELL WITH STAALS.
- Sens – -1/-1/-2/0 = -4. Yeah. AWFUL Jersey. Ugly Condom Wrapper logo. Vanilla roster. + Karlsson. Minus Alfie. Many minus FOR CLAIMING FAKE HISTORY THAT ISN’T REALLY YOURS.
- Bolts – 2/-3/-4/0 = -5. Cup +1. Nate Thompson, St. Louis, Ryan Malone, -3. RIP OFF LEAFS JERSEY MINUS MINUS MINUS.
- Jets – -1/-3/-3/0= -7. Thing that’s Winnipeg’s temperature, too. Rip off jerseys. Relocated stolen team. Other than Montoya utterly detestable roster, ‘tries way too hard’ fanbase. When you actively troll the city you stole a team from a year later, eat a moldy asshole.
- Caps 1/2/3/-15 = -8. What intangible got them this? No real history to hate, sharp jerseys, Ovi, Greenie, AND POTI POWER. What’s not to like? Google ‘Dale Hunter Pierre Turgeon’. I hope he takes a rusty tetanus rife pitchfork in his butthole in hell until the world floats into the sun.
- Canucks -3/-3/3/-5= -8. Burn another cop car. Way to let the Rangers win a cup. You’ve certainly taken a DIVE on this list of late.
- Flyers 2/-5/0/-6 = -9. The sweater’s look is offset by the fact it makes me physically ill. Nobody on this team is likeable. Nor is the city, nor is the state. Laviolette is cool though.
- Bruins 2/-7/0/-5 = 10. Another sweater that would be higher if it didn’t make me vomit. Tukka is cool. The rest of the team, the announcer, half the fanbase, the goal song, the city’s inferiority complex to NY, all combine in a near perfect mix of hate.
- Leafs – -3 / -5 / 3 / -5 =10. Not a likeable soul on the team. The media is insufferable. The fans VASTLY overrate their historical contribution to hockey and Dion Phaneuf is a ballless wonder.
- Penguins – 1/ -5 / -5 /-5 = -14. Now we are cooke-ing with gas. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FRANCHISE. EVER. SO MUCH. THEY SUCK. HISTORICALLY, EVERY TIME THEY GET SLAPPED IN THE FACE? IT’S BY THE ISLANDERS OR FLYERS. YET THEY STILL THINK THEY HAVE A SUPERIOR ‘TRADITION’. THEY GET HANDED MARIO AFTER TANKING. THEY GET HANDED CROSBY. THEIR ANNOUNCER WOULD BE PUT TO DEATH IN MOST COUNTRIES. THEIR FANS THINK THE NHL WAS CREATED IN 2006.
- Rangers -5 / -5 / -5 / -5 = -20. Which is, I think, Boyle’s plus minus this year. Fake history. Seriously, what kind of team celebrates an 85th anniversary? Would it be the same one that lauds their only championship SINCE THE INVASION OF NORMANDY? The blandest jersey in sport. They screwed Vanbiesbrouck. Picture the entitlement of Toronto Leafs fans with a history of the Detroit Lions. There you go. It’s STILL 1940 to me.
feedback away, kids.