Re-post from my Fetlife for the People:
So, I recently finished Jillian Keenan’s book, “Sex with Shakespeare”, and it left me deep in thought.
In the past 24 months, I’ve accepted that I am not strictly homosexual, and that I enjoy sex with both cis-genders as well as folks anywhere else on the spectrum, but somewhere along the way I determined this self discovery wasn’t about my partners, but myself.
This journey cut to my core and left some uncomfortable truths bare. I had to process these for a while and make peace with them.
Independent of who I am with, I had to know myself and understand that and the implications thereof. I had a lengthy conversation with a dear friend and came to accept what I am, and what that means, both in my love life and in my day to day life.
I am a submissive male. It is apparent any time there’s a tug at the back of my neck, a pat on the head, or a head on my throat. I am most closely psychologically in tune with a prey animal. I surrender myself in a sexual situation and enjoy seeing what happens. I have to control things during the day, so when I play I want nothing to do with that shit, I want to give in to my base instincts and be devoured.
As relieving as this is, letting this side of me out has several problems. Firstly, there is the fact that in my day to day life, I am in charge in my work setting. My natural instinct is to submit and surrender when confronted, I relish it, but I have to spend all day suppressing that.
Secondly, there is the inherent judgement in our culture that to submit, you are bereft of internal strength. To this, I roll my eyes. Some of the shit we submissives allow ourselves to be put through requires TREMENDOUS fortitude. I may be submissive, but I’m not YOUR sub, you haven’t earned that and don’t get to address me as such.
This dovetails into the last problem: Setting boundaries and committing to them. It is very hard for me as a sub, to tell my dom no. It’s not something I enjoy doing, and I automatically feel disappointed in doing so. However, I’ve found recently, it’s far healthier to set those boundaries before hand. Lay your “hard nos” out at the outset and go from there. A word to the wise: Don’t renegotiate in session. You are emotionally compromised as Spock would say when in subspace or in a dom mindset.
I learned this last one the hard way. Don’t let anyone take advantage of your nature. Your submission is a gift and trust. If they abuse that by breaking what you agreed to, you need to re-evaluate things.
Grow into the person you want to be in your sexlife, but enjoy the freaking journey and learn from your mistakes (and the mistakes of those around you!).